December 20, 2011 at 12:04 pm Leave a comment

I reached a mile-stone in my weight-loss progress. It isn’t my final goal, but it is still a very big deal for me. First, some background. In my married life, I have dieted (for lack of a better word) three times: once after I was first married, once right after I had my son a couple of years ago, and, of course, this latest and final time. The time after I had my son I lost less than 20 lbs in all before gaining it all back. When I dieted the first time, I did better, losing 21 lbs in all and getting down to a weight of 159 lbs, my lowest of my married life…until now. I stepped on the scale a week ago to see that I was down to 158 lbs, for a total loss of 32 lbs as well as the lowest weight I have been since before my marriage. Again, it isn’t my final goal (my ultimate goal is merely to be five pounds within my healthy weight range for my bmi,) but, wow, it feels great!

I noticed something strange, though, since the wonderful moment of seeing that significant number on the scale.  Even though I have been doing so great, since seeing that number, it’s like the old me is trying to reassert itself. That draw to food suddenly has more power than it has had in recent times. Again, I feel that voice saying, “Don’t pretend you don’t want it.” And it feels like I can’t, even when I try. I have hovered around this same weight for a week now. And truthfully, even the fact that I have stayed here seems like a miracle, with as ridiculous as I have been this past week. I have to ask myself, “Why the sudden resurgance of the dead?” This crazy voice has come back like a ghost to haunt me…or perhaps like a zombie to feast on my brain. Whatever the comparison, I know who the culprit is. It’s fear.

Why does this fear come up at a time like this? I’m not exactly sure, and I won’t pretend I have all the answers. But something about seeing myself come farther than I have ever come before brought on that fearThe Fear (The Twilight Zone) that says, “You can’t really do this.” What is the answer to easing the fear?  Why, failure, of course. Giving in to the very thing I’ve been trying to escape from for some reason calms the fear.  Maybe it’s just easier to know that I can’t do it after all, instead of this question of “can I or can’t I?”. If I know then it won’t be so bad when I finally do fail. It’s like a quiz where you get the feedback after every question. When you have answered like ten questions in a row correctly, you start to feel those shakes. It gets worse as you go along until it is actually affecting your thinking to the point that it could cause you to mess up. It’s like a viscous cycle. Very annoying.

I don’t have all the answers to getting past the fear. Obviously, giving up so I am no longer afraid is definitely not the answer. The only thing I know is what the Bible says: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (I Timothy 1:7) I don’t understand exactly why the fear is there, but I know that God is bigger than the fear. He has given me a spirit of power to beat it, no matter how strong it seems. He has given me a spirit of love, so that I can realize that being there for my family is more important than my fear of failure. And he has given me a sound mind so that I can see logically how silly it would be to give in just because I am afraid I will. So even though the fear is there, I will beat it. In a week, or two weeks, I will be able to tell everyone that I have seen that 158 become 157 or 156 or lower. And in however long it takes, I will be able to tell everyone that I have reached my goal. And it is not only possible for me to overcome fear, but everyone else who struggles with it, too. Victory is possible! Just keep moving forward.


Entry filed under: Addiction and Help. Tags: , , , .

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